At first glance, I'm a mom of a 13 year old, a wife and a "normal" person. I surprise people when I trust them enough to share my story that I feel should be shared. Maybe it will help others to realize they aren't alone and I hope it helps me to open up about many years of pain and grief I've endured. I first experienced life changing grief and devastation when I was 22. I was a senior in college and my little brother was killed in a car accident along with two other boys during his freshman year. It changed me forever and of course, my mom and dad and older brother who was 24 at the time. It took away my youth and innocence- my view of life and made me question how anything so horrible could happen to our tight family. I struggled with it in so many ways in my 20's and even into my 30's. No one really knew that behind my smile there was a lot of pain. In fact, I've always gone out of my way to appear happy and thankfully I still experience happiness in many ways.

When I was 40 my dad died of lung cancer after a short battle- he was only 66 and my mom died of breast cancer three years later after she had survived non hodgkins lymphoma in her 50's. I watched both of them die and it was not what I always read about- how people often write that their loved ones peacefully passed away. My dad was gasping for air and I watched his chest move for the last time and I remember holding my moms hand until it became cold when she died. They were in pain and suffered until the end, even with the pain medication. I still have terrible flashbacks of them taking their last breaths. My strong, funny dad that would tell us on his way home from work that he saw a peanut butter and jelly truck crash and everyone made sandwiches, and my mom who was had this hillarious, twisted (in the best way) sense of humor. My son was a year old when my dad died and only four when my mom died. They were the very best grandparents and parents.

Then two years ago my older brother died suddenly of a heart attack at 53. He had three childrent that were his world- he was funny and so bright. My son called him Uncle Baldy and adored him.. Devasting. Unexpected. So here I am wondering why did I lose my whole family and my dear brothers so tragically. Why do I feel like an orphan and everyone around me has so much family. Some of them do not even like their family. I had a very close family and there was so much love. Needless to say I miss them and cry over all of their deaths at different times.

The purpose of this blog is to share my story and the feelings I've had in hopes that other people will be able to share their stories in a supportive way. Maybe some ways to cope and maybe to help people going through supporting somoene who has lost someone. There is no manual for grief and that is such a hard part, but there are people who feel alone and struggle. I love my husband but he hasn't lost a sibling or parent. Although he is so loving and wants to help, he doesn't know the whole of the pain. I dread seeing him go through it some day and hope he doesn't experience young, tragic loss.