Sep. 16, 2022
It is ok to ask people how they are doing when they have lost someone..
I remember when my brother passed away how difficult it was for my mom. The worst horror was happening to her having lost a child and people avoided her in the community. She would go in the grocery store and people would turn around and walk the other way. I know it was because people didn't know how to deal with it but it made it so much worse and isolating.
For me, I only had a little more than a month left of college when my brother died and my mom and dad made me go back to school...I realize what good parents they were for that too. I remember people looked at me in a different way when I went back and didn't know what to say. My roommates avoided the subject too and enjoyed their last weeks of college. I know they had a right to enjoy their last bit of time in college but it was a terrible feeling watching everyone so happy while I was completely crushed inside and everything I had thought to be true seemed wrong now. Even a sunny day was unbearable seeing everyone happily enjoying their days. I was just this shell of a person going through the basics of life.
When my older brother died suddenly two years ago those intense feelings of sadness and shock returned. It was like living it all over again but now as a mom and an older person. I was so sure that my brother and I would live to be 100 sharing our lives and supporting each other. I felt like we were safe because we had been through so much losing our younger brother and enduring the pain of watching our parents die. He was a huge part of our lives and my son's favorite Uncle and I had to tell my 11 year old son that his Uncle had died. He cried himself to sleep periodically for months. Sure everyone was great at the funeral and for a little while and then no one asked. The worse part is that no one barely even asked how my brothers three kids were doing that he left behind. It was as if everyone expected me to be "normal" again after a few weeks. I was so angry the first year because I barely heard from any of my cousins, Aunts and Uncles, etc. except for my one cousin and Aunt and Uncle. Many people acted as if it never happened. It made me so angry and resentful. I was living with all of this pain and the pain that my immediate family was gone- I felt like an orphan. I couldn't listen to music, I cried almost every day and I hid it from just about everyone except for my husband. My husband was filled with pain too, but he showed it when he could bear it because my brother was like a brother to him too. He also had to watch my son and I suffer and he couldn't fix it and he is a fixer by nature, so it was even harder.
I know it all sounds like so depressing but I am sharing this because I want people to know the people you care about and love need you to ask how they are doing and what you can do to help. I know that I can't possibly speak for everyone but so many people that I know who have suffered a deep loss have also told me how hard it is to feel like the world has moved on and that is the expectation they have of you too. I don't pretend to be an expert but for me, moving on has always been a back and forth process. Intense sadness sometimes followed by I'm going to be ok and then everything in between and backwards. When someone gives me the opportunity to talk or tell me that they care, it makes a huge difference.