Oct. 13, 2022
Who you are before your loss plays a part in how you deal with the loss.
In my grief certification class today I was moved to tears about something the instuctor said which was, who you are going into loss plays a big part in how you deal with the loss. I cried because my brother Matt came into my mind. Matt was so incredibly bright, well liked, a great athlete and could read people very well his entire life. What he wasn't though was a talker. He didn't talk about how he felt on deep levels, yet he was actually extremely sensitive. If you met him he was very charming and he seemed very strong. He ended up going to law school and ulitmately landed in executive compensation where he could command a board room. He could handle CEO's with confidence. I was terrified of CEO's when I went into business or anyone with power so I was in awe of Matt's skill and overall presence.
But I have always been drawn to people who talk about the way they feel. I don't mean all the time but it had to be there... Matt was also drawn to sensitive people, but sometimes more drawn to people late in his life that had issues and deep insecutities. He seemed to have a need to fix them or have them complete some part of himself he couldn't express.
When our brother Jeff died in the car accident Matt withdrew- he was only 24 years old. I don't remember him being comfortable talking about Jeff's death for years. I was afraid to bring it up for a long time because I was afraid it would make him angry, but I needed him so much. Matt's wife would hear him crying in the shower by himself and it was one of the worst things I remember ever hearing, because no one could help him and he didn't want to be helped... He was always like that and it was hard to believe we were siblings because I was so different.
Matt was also withdrawn when our dad died. My dad and Matt were very close..they were always doing a project and arguing about how could do it better. I never knew that Matt considered my dad to be his best friend until after my dad died, which is hard to believe I didn't know. I don't know how Matt made it through the dark days afterwards because he just couldn't cry and talk about the loss the way I think he wanted to...
On the other hand, one of my ways of coping with Jeff's death was talking to my mom and we were very close until the day she died. When I grew to trust people I would tell them what happened to my brother. How they responded was how I determined if I could really get close to them.. I needed people who could feel.
What is the point of all of this- for me it is to tell people how important it is to think about loss before it happens, to face it and to acknowledge that it is eventually going to happen because how we are will shape how we face grief. For most, there is no way to avoid loss and for some....tragic loss. What if we were taught more about grief at a young age, that loss is part of life and how to find things in oursleves to help us cope. Could we learn more about what self care means at a young age too and that the way we find inner peace and care is different for everyone.
Adults write books for kids about how to grieve and that is great, but it is often only taught after the loss. What about kids who are quiet and can't talk about things openly who need to know that grief and loss is ok to talk about...Not through a book afterwards, but as a part of life like learning manners. We avoid grief and pain and it is the one thing that can affect people the deepest. Could Matt's life have been different?? The grief that plagued him at such a young age and for the rest of his life that he just couldn't talk about....